How did this happen?
by Sandra S
Summary: The aftermath of A Tangled Webb from Webb's, Mac's and Harm's point of view.
1. Default Chapter Webb

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.

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How did this happen?

I don't even know when I've fallen in love with Sarah Mackenzie.

It definitely wasn't love at first sight. I brought her in to get her uncle. She was pretty - yes of course - but I was focused on rescuing my career and not on chasing women back then. Well, at least not that kind of chasing women, though she and Rabb gave me a hard time to keep up with them.

After that I worked more often with Harm or with both together. I started to admire her cleverness and her professionalism. And I had fun picking out a dress for her - but look what she did to it!

I have to admit that I dragged them into some hideous situations. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done. But they were ... a sort of colleagues. A suitable way to reach my goal - and I always trusted them to go the whole way and do whatever needed to be done to bring things to a good end. Not always the end I had planned - but a good end for our country and the people living in it.

Maybe ... maybe there was something in Russia. When we tried to stop the assassination of Putin. As far as I remember the flight to Moscow was the first long time we were together and alone. No Harm. No Lieutenant Roberts. We talked quite a bit on that plane. Dinosaurs. I'd never dreamed of learning that much of dinosaurs. But to tell the truth - after the mission was over I bought some books and grew quite fond of the theme.

I was furious as she ditched me to run after Harm. I kept telling myself that I was only afraid the Admiral was going to break more than just my nose if anything would happen to her. That I was afraid she would ruin the mission. I'm no longer sure of it now. But she was engaged to Brumby, she had just run off to find Harm and I never questioned my feelings too closely.

Afghanistan. I was scared to death in Afghanistan. Seeing that knife on her throat ... but I always knew she was able to take every chance that might come along if only I could keep my mind straight and give her an opening. I never doubted her ability to protect herself, fight her own fights and stand up for herself.

But still - was I in love with her? I can't answer this question. I was so wrapped up in the search for Kabir there was barely any time to think of other things. Yes, I was concerned when she and Harm stumbled into the air strike aiming at the terrorists - and I was angry too because it had been their own fault and the fault of Galindez.

I haven't seen her for a long time after Afghanistan. Haven't seen any of the Jag-staff for a long time because I was so busy running around the globe and most of the time fighting phantoms slipping away under your fingers as soon as you get within arms reach. It was a frustrating time though we had some progress too.

And then ... then came the Angel Shark and Suriname.

I went too far with the Angel shark. I should have known. Well, I knew because it wasn't the first time my boss was mad at me. But when I was sent off to Paramaribo I thought it was going to be several weeks, one or two months as a punishment. And after that I would be called back, had to struggle for a while to get on the right side of my boss again and be almost back on track with my life and my career.

It took me a couple of months to realize how wrong I had been. There would be no phone call ordering me back to D.C. ... no important mission I would be send on. Day after day I worked my way through the same dazing paperwork, the same boring lists, the same routine. No change. No escape in sight.

It was a shock. I AM GOOD, for heavens sake! At least I was.

For years my life had been in overdrive. It was hectic and dangerous and lonely but it was my life and I loved it. I had a direction, a goal I was heading for - and the next second everything was on halt and in question. Like slamming into a wall. The whole world upside-down.

First I held up and waited for a chance to get out of my misery. But this became more and more difficult. There was too much time to think. To question myself. To go over the same things over and over again.

It drove me crazy. I felt what was happening and tried to fight it but it was like wadding through a swamp. I knew it was destroying me. Self-doubt is the death of any secret agent.

And then this operation came up. I knew immediately it was the chance for me. Maybe the only one I ever could get a hand on. So I jumped on it with all I had.

When I needed a partner to play the role of my pregnant wife there was suddenly the picture of Sarah Mackenzie in my head. She wasn't my first choice but I'm never going to tell her that. Unfortunately Petra, the agent I asked for at the beginning, was unavailable because of a long-term operation. So when I pondered the question whom I could trust entirely with my life and my career I came to Sarah.

Funny. I had never thought that much about her while I was in Suriname. A few times, yes - but not unusual often. Looking back maybe less than what would have been normal. Maybe I avoided thinking about her because I knew it was useless. But now I needed somebody I could trust and I knew I could trust her. Rely on her. She was smart, had quick reactions and the guts to save my six if things were going down.

I made a mistake.

I realized that I made a mistake as soon as I talked her into the mission and took her to Langley. There was something. There was a feeling that should not have been there. A feeling that could not allowed being there because it was dangerous for both of us. If I had needed anything to shatter my self-confidence entirely - here it was.

But it was too late. There was nothing I could do to change the fatal chain of events now. So I brought up every bit of strength and self-discipline and played along. First it wasn't that bad. I managed to banter with her and even came up with some witty retorts. I managed to sleep in the same bed, to ignore what it did to me and to focus completely on the mission ... almost. Just a few times I showed her how unsure I felt.

And then ... the whole mission went down the toilet. I wasn't able to protect her. Instead she ended up sacrificing her health and life to save mine. Even worse: look who'd shown up as the knight in shining armor - of course Harmon Rabb junior. Oh, I'm glad he saved her. I'm glad anyone came to rescue us ... but for heavens sake - WHY HE?! I wish I wouldn't know the answer to that question. But unfortunately I do ... I do.

I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have stuck to my usual habit of need to know and KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT! At least I would have rescued a tiny bit of my pride. But I thought I was going to die. Damned it, I had every reason to believe that.

When she stood there looking so worried and concerned ... I wanted to distract her. To console her. I wanted to see a smile on her face. Just for a second. Just a little smile. Something to take with me in the dark. I got more than I'd dreamed of.

I don't know how it happened. I tried to joke and said those things about using her toothbrush and how much I liked having her as a wife and then it just - slipped out. And she kissed me.

I can still feel her lips on mine. I can still taste her.

And now she's here. Sitting at my hospital bed. Picking at the cast on her left arm - a souvenir of the plane crash. Damned it, Harm, what is it with you and Sarah and flying together? I told you to take care of her!

She's feeling uncomfortable and troubled. It's obvious that she doesn't know what to say besides 'Hey' and 'How are you' and more of those kind of small talk. That hurts. That hurts more than my sore body and there are no painkillers to ease this sort of pain. I can't see her like that. I love her. I want to see her happy.

And that means I have to end this.

So I pull the rest of my strength together and try to reach out for her hand but I'm too weak to move more than a few inches in her direction. But she notices the movement and takes my hand in hers. I give her a soft squeeze, produce a half smile with the part of my face that is working - I don't want to imagine what I must look like - and choose my words very carefully.

"Don't worry, Mac. I know it was a kiss for a dying man."

Suddenly there are tears all over her face and I can see she's fighting to speak. But I can't stand this now. It hurts too much. So I close my eyes and turn slightly away from her freeing my hand as I do.

There's a long and heavy silence in the room. The only sounds I can hear are her quite sobs. After an eternity she gets up and her presence is over me. I feel her lips on my forehead in a soft kiss. Then she's gone.

I don't open my eyes until the door has closed behind her. I don't want to remember her like that - walking away. I can't.

I know I'm never going to work with anybody from JAG again. Maybe I'm never going to work at all, at least not within the CIA. This mission has ruined me as a field agent and probably as an in-door operative too. It definitely ruined my friendship with Harm and I doubt that AJ has any friendly feelings left for me. And it put Sarah forever out of my reach what is the worst thing.

God, how did this happen? How could I screw up my life so entirely?

What am I going to do now?

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The End


	2. Mac

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.

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How did this happen?

Clayton Webb - in love with me? A few years ago I would have said that's a sick joke.

I mean ... looking back at when we first met - he used me! He used me as a trap for my uncle! I despised him for doing than. And not just doing it but also the way he did it. He cared about nothing but himself and his precious career. Absolutely ruthless and ... and ... I can't find a word that's strong enough. But I met Harm for the first time. And Bud and the Admiral.

I wasn't pleased to see Webb again and I would have bet he wasn't either. Did he avoid me? He asked Harm to do some 'jobs' for the CIA - oh, excuse me, the 'State Department' at this time - but quite a while we hardly ever spoke to each other except for a few and sometimes harsh words. My mind was set: He was a stubborn, headstrong man who would sacrifice everything and everyone to reach his goal.

Well, o.k., sometimes he almost showed a heart. These short glimpses under the shell of his three-piece-suit were - I don't know - kind of frightening and endearing at the same time. But then again he pulled some crazy stunt like ... like in Russia. Harm was searching for his father and he? He used us again! We could have been killed as they shot us down. We would have been killed later if the Admiral hadn't taken action and saved us.

Strange. Speaking of Russia. All was different the next time we went to Russia together.

I was engaged to Mic and I was desperately trying to convince myself that I was in love with him and not with Harm. Just one more item on my long, long list of mistakes.

Even under those circumstances - not to mention the killer of three Americans plotting his next hit in Russia - the flight to Moscow was ... relaxing. We couldn't talk about the mission - there's definitely not enough privacy on a commercial flight, first class or not - and so we had either to stick to magazines and newspapers or to find another topic. And this turned out to be paleontology. To be honest: I think, I lectured him. But he seemed truly interested. I mean, he actually listened, asked questions about what I just said and gave me his full attention. I really thought we were getting along well as we stepped off the plane. It felt good ... it felt - right. And then I blew it because I ran to Harm. There was no choice - I had to do it. Harm had to know what was going on. But afterwards Clayton - Webb ... he said nothing about it. I knew he felt betrayed and expected at least a snide remark about ditching him and bringing the mission into danger. But there was nothing. Not a single word.

And I - I did my best to forget about that strange comfortable feeling I got in his company. I shoved the memory deep down under my longing for Harm, under my helpless wish for a family ... and later under the pain after Mic left.

I should have known. You can't escape the past. It took a long time but in the end the memory surfaced again.

It wasn't in Afghanistan. Afghanistan was a terrible experience - I sometimes still have nightmares feeling that knife on my skin - but I had enough self-control left to hold the memory down. Even after he saved me. No. After he helped and trusted me to save myself.

There was a connection. We locked eyes and I knew - I knew what he was thinking. I trusted him. Maybe more than I would have trusted Harm in such a situation. Harm always wants to protect me - rescue me. But Clay ... Webb - he seemed to be absolutely sure that I was able to fight for myself. And I did as he gave me the signal.

Was he in love with me in Afghanistan? Would he have acted that way if he had been in love with me?

I buried Afghanistan under the warmth of Harm's body as we 'shared body heat' in the desert. I buried the bond I had felt. I buried how good it had felt to have somebody trust me, the Marine Sarah Mackenzie, and at the same time me, the woman Sarah Mackenzie, so entirely.

And then - then came the Angle Shark and Suriname.

Clay was different after he had been in Suriname. I knew it as soon as he'd talked me into the mission and took me to Langley. He tried to hide it but I felt it anyway. Something had changed. He had changed.

Oh, he played along quite well most of the time. But he scared me to death when he told me he didn't feel sure of himself. He scared me ... and he made me proud - kind of. Because he still trusted me. Trusted me with his life and his career - and his very soul.

I knew what he was going through. I know this deep dark valley of self-doubt and despair. I've been there too many, many times. I vowed to myself that I was going to help him out of it. I know very well how hard it is to struggle and try and fight. I vowed that I'd bring the old Webb back to me.

Instead everything went from bad to worse. They caught us. And I know it was my fault. I'm a Marine. And I acted like a Marine. But it wasn't an operation for a Marine. It was an operation for a spy, an undercover agent and there are different priorities. A different way to act. Not a better one. Definitely not a better one. But different.

Clay paid for it.

I heard his screams. I saw his injuries. I had his blood on my hands. I thought we were going to die.

I remembered as I held him in my arms. The flight to Russia. Afghanistan. And that horrible moment when the Admiral had told us he was found dead on a freighter in Baltimore. We were so close these past couple of days. But I kept telling myself it was only friendship.

He tried to hold me back but I wasn't willing to let him suffer any more. I thought I was so brave. Playing hero, Ninja-girl?

I regretted it. I'm never going to tell anyone but I regretted my decision as soon as I took one step into that horrible room. Saw these - these things, saw this table. And this smell. This awful smell.

I can't describe what I felt as Harm suddenly appeared in the door. I just stared at him. Speechless. There were only two possibilities how to react: Break down and cry - or bottle everything up inside and go on. I went for the latter and one reason for doing it was Clay. I had to be strong for him.

He didn't say 'I love you'. But what he said is maybe more than that especially when it comes from the lips of a man like Clayton Webb. Admitting you need somebody is never easy.

The sad thing is: I'm not sure why I kissed him. A part of me wants to call it pity. That I was afraid I wouldn't see him again. That it was comforting a friend. The other part keeps telling me that I wanted to know what it was like - just one time. To take something with me because I was still sure he was going to die. Damned it, I had every reason to believe that.

But Love? I can't be in love with him, can I? I mean - all these things I remembered but - was it enough to fall in love? For all these years it had been Harm and Harm and Harm again. I still want Harm - yes, I do! - but ... why do I feel so ... Why did it feel so - right?

And now I'm here. Sitting at his hospital bed. He's looking awful - so ... fragile. I don't want to imagine what painkillers they feed him to make it bearable.

I'm embarrassed. Why can't I find other words than 'Hey' and 'How are you'? It's such a ridiculous question. But what else can I say? What else is safe to say?

I look down and start picking at the cast on my left arm. Well, thank you very much for this, Harm. You wanna fly a plane? Go ahead but without me! Not only we went down - no, we had to hitchhike back and that over these roads and with an arm throbbing painfully.

It hurts. Oh, not my arm. But once again I'm caught in the middle of two men. Two men I like and love - but in different ways. And both are expecting so much from me. But I'm no angel. I'm human - I'm making mistakes ... and I'm weak.

Oh, Harm, why did you have to do this? The Navy is your life! Well, I guess, I've asked for it. Maybe I really wanted you to prove what you were willing to sacrifice for me. Looks like I've got my answer now. But instead of being happy I feel ... guilty. I don't want to feel guilty, Harm. I don't want to.

And Clay. Oh, Clay, I -

There's a slight movement of Clay's hand. He's trying to reach me but he hasn't got the strength in his battered body. So I do it for him and take his hand in mine. He gives me a soft squeeze and a half smile. His voice is just a whisper.

"Don't worry, Mac. I know it was a kiss for a dying man."

For a moment there's just bleak emptiness in my head while I'm trying to understand. And then I burst into tears. The tears I've been holding back for so long. I need to say something - anything - but he doesn't want me to. Instead he's closing his eyes, turning away from me. His hand is slipping out of my fingers.

A long time I'm just sitting there, crying. I know what he's doing. He's setting me free. He's giving me an honorable way out - and that's more than any man in my life was ever willing to do for me. Especially not Harmon Rabb junior.

In the end I calm down a little. Clay's laying motionless and I can't tell if he's fallen asleep or if he's just pretending. Anyway, the least thing I can do is respecting his pain. Slowly I get up and bend over him. I feel the need to kiss his lips but that would be cheap. Selfish. So I kiss his forehead as softly as I can. Then I'm practically fleeing from the room. I'm still crying without a sound. I close the door - and there he is. Leaning against the wall.

Harm. My knight in shining armor. I need you, Harm. I need you so badly. But knights rescue the maiden and afterwards ride off into the sunset. Or things like that.

Don't give me that look, Harm. I can't stand that look now. I've loved you for so many years and all you've given me back were those looks full of longing and nothing more. I still love you but - I can't deny my feelings for Clay. No matter what he just said. You've always asked for more time, Harm - now I'm the one who needs some.

So I just turn and walk away. I don't know where I'm going but that's nothing new. I'm more confused than ever.

Oh God. What am I going to do now?

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End of part two.

Author's note: I think, I'll write one more chapter ... try and guess whose turn it's going to be.


	3. Final Chapter Harm

Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.

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How did this happen?

I'm always scared when Mac meets a new man, but - Clayton Webb?! She has known him for years and never liked him that much! Why did she change her mind? When did she change her mind?

Mac liked to tear his head off when she first met him. From the start she disliked his snide remarks, his arrogant attitude. She was appalled the way he treated that Marine in Columbia. Well, yes, she called him 'loveable' once but that was as - as we all thought he was dead. I can't think of any other occasion she seemed to like him.

In fact - he and I got along much better than they ever did. And that was hard enough. It was always a rough up and down with Webb. Sometimes he did something nice but there was always a price to pay. I know very well I'd have never found my father without his help. But he always wanted something in return. Always a quid pro quo.

Even though - in the end I really considered him a friend. Not the type of friend to have a drink in a bar with or go fishing or whatever. More the weird I-don't-know-why-I-like-you-but-somehow-I-do kind of friend. He got Sergei out and took him to the States. I think I still owe him for that one but sometimes it was hard to remember when he'd played his dirty little spy-games again.

And he never showed any affection for Mac. O.k. he bought her a dress - a quite stunning dress - but after we'd cleaned up his mess and he made one of his typical remarks ... I thought she was going to throw it into his face. He never seemed to care about her - or about me. Bud had to press and push for information as our plane was hijacked. And in the end even Chegwidden had to call and add to the pressure. When Clay finally gave in it was almost too late.

And just consider the mess he dragged her into this time. I can't understand why she went with him - and without me?! We've always worked together when he asked for help - more or less - and that was a good thing because working with Clayton Webb meant calling for problems. Remember Afghanistan? Mac almost got killed in Afghanistan! He wasn't able to protect her - to rescue her ... No - she had to do it herself! She knew that and still went with him. Why?

Because she was mad at me? Because I didn't move fast enough for her? Because we never talked about - about whatever might be between the two of us?

Why do women always have to talk about things? To talk and talk again and pick everything apart until there's nothing left but empty words? Isn't it enough to - to feel and be and ... and ... isn't that enough?

Stupid question, huh? Guess it wasn't enough for Mac. I remember her bitter words as we parted. She asked why I only was like that when she was about to go.

The answer is very easy, Mac: Everything I've once loved was destroyed somehow.

Dad went MIA and got killed in the middle of nowhere. Mum married Frank - oh, I've come to like Frank over the years but he wasn't Dad ... and before him it was just Mum and me and almost as if Dad was still around. That crash in the night ended my career as a pilot. Annie sent me away. Sergei went MIA too. Damn it, even that dog I once had ran into a car and died. And Renee ... Renee married a funeral director can you believe that?

But that was still better than that: Jordan was killed. And Diane died.

You want to talk about things, Mac? How can I tell you this: Every time I look at you I see Diane's dead body. I see the bloodstained shirt. I feel again how cold her skin was. Only it isn't Diane I see. It isn't Diane's cold skin I feel.

I see you, Mac. I see you. And it scares me, Mac. I can't explain how much it scares me.

When she went with Webb I knew something bad was going to happen. I just knew it. I did everything to find her. To rescue her.

I did, didn't I? Seeing Mac in that room, on that table - I didn't want to imagine what she'd been through. I just wanted to hold her, to tell her everything was o.k. that she was safe again ... but Mac didn't seem to care. She just went on. Like nothing had happened.

First I blamed it on stress. She'd been in great danger and I know how she handles herself in danger. But that never included kissing Clayton Webb. I couldn't believe it. She KISSED him! Clayton Webb!

I've given up the Navy to find you, Mac - and you kissed him!

I took my frustration out on Clay. And as soon as Gunny drove away I wanted to take my words back but it was too late. My last words to a man I once considered a friend - my last words to a man I thought was going to die ... were harsh and spoken in jealousy! And if that wasn't enough disaster for one day: Just to top it all - the plane ran out of gas. I managed to bring us down almost safe ... but just almost.

For one moment I had my old Mac back. Wow - that was one angry Marine! Mac hopped out of the plane as soon as we'd hit the tree, holding her arm and screaming something like: "I KNEW this would happen! I KNEW it! That's the LAST time, Harmon Rabb junior! I'm FED UP with this!"

Unfortunately it didn't last. Her arm was broken and she was in a good deal of pain the whole way back. I tried to distract her. I told her how difficult it was to come here to find her ... and that I'd resigned. I still wonder why it destroyed everything.

I don't know. I thought it was what she wanted. I thought she wanted some evidence of my affection. Of my love. Maybe I wanted some proof too - but I'm never going to tell her that. She reacted ... odd. She just ... stared at me. And went silent.

And now I'm here. Standing outside his hospital room. Mac didn't ask me to come inside with her and I'm kind of glad about it. I can't face him now. I can't see them together. I don't want to think of the past couple of days they've been together. And still - I can't stop pondering.

I've been so sure of Mac's love. How selfish. I should have known. But as I've said - things are ... difficult. But at least now I'm sure of one thing: I'm in love with Mac. It must be love - what else could it be? I want to hold her, protect her, and shield her from all evil in this world ... that must be love.

I'm startled as suddenly the door opens and Mac is practically fleeing from the room. She's been crying. She still is crying and it makes me angry. He has no right to make her cry.

I look at her. I try to tell her with my eyes that I'm here for her that I need her ... but I can't read her mind as she stares back at me. And then she just turns and walks away. She's simply walking in the other direction.

That hurts. God, that hurts. And it adds to my rage. I've made mistakes - yes! But I always wanted the best for Mac. Clay isn't the right man for her. One day he's going to leave her behind - I've never forgotten his line about 'it could be my girlfriend and I still wouldn't give it to him'! You can't love a woman and drag her into a situation where she could get killed like he did.

And now I'm going to tell him this. I step up to the door, jerk it open and -

He's crying. He's ... I never saw him crying. I never thought he could ... he would ... He's - he's looking so ... lonely. He's covering part of his face with his hand - shaking under the force of his sobs. The stifled sound is ... frightening.

He's not aware of my presence. So I back off, slowly, shutting the door as gently as I can. Then I'm just staring at it. This I've never expected.

What am I going to do now?

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End of part three.

Author's note: That's it.

And now a BIG THANK YOU for all the reviews - I really appreciate it!

Hmm - there's a story in my head but I need some time to put it together ... maybe I'll post some 'older' stories I've written for myself while I'm working on it.


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